🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
boat question
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.