GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Aaaa…CHOO!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.