[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
guilty
Bread puns are on the rise!
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.