[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough