Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.