The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
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Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.