Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
You Might Also Like
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems