Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
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Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.