Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back