LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
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*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit