When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
This classic never gets old . . .
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.