them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask