Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
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Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Solving a traffic jam
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Harsh but fair
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.