Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.