Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
You Might Also Like
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I cannot stop laughing at this
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..