Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
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If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection