My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
You Might Also Like
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.