FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
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Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.