Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
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Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.