My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
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I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.