[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
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When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.