Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
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[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.