“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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I unironically love this joke.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”