[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.