Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
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I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser