[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
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Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade