Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Finally
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins