[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
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boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers