If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
🤣🤣🤣
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..