Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
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I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.