Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Sponch
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.