Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
You Might Also Like
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
A French press is when you hug naked
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I came this close!!!!
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly