Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Breaking news:
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
new wife guy just dropped
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*