Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
remember
only for emergencies
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!