The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.