I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
What if all the cashiers are married?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.