Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?