Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.