According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒