8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them