In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I am patiently waiting for your email
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.