Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
You Might Also Like
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
As the Lord intended
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.