Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
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I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My neck, my back, my…
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
This could’ve been an email.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Actually cracking up @ this
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.