Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
You Might Also Like
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry