Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.