*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
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Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”