My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
You Might Also Like
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
the official breakfast of 2021
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Oh the world we live in…
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Covid like
*limbos away from your hug*
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.