I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
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Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
This will never not be funny 😭
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”