Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
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Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go