Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
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TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Mornin
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao